healing

This past year has brought many challenges to me as a single mother.  I never envisioned myself in this position, and I didn't ask for it, yet I've embraced it and accepted it.  Most days have been joyous and happy and liberating.  Some days have been frightening and lonely.  A few days have been so painful that I felt as though I couldn't take another day.  But all of my days as in independent mother have been filled with opportunities to grow and change and recover from a 25 year marriage and a parenting partnership that was not healthy.

In my particular case, it's been a slow yet steady process of reaching out to others in helping me to identify the significant aspects of a painful marriage, such as alcoholism and verbal abuse, and how these two nemesis wreaked havoc on my self worth and my children's development.  Finding 'safe places' within a community where there's no place to hide, or not being able to trust mutual friends or family members to provide unconditional positive regard, have been obstacles to the much needed renewal of my injured soul.

Yet the one thing that I have done, and that has evolved over time, has been to tell my historical story that led up to becoming an independent mother.  Telling that story to someone who really listens as many times as you need, helps the 'going forth' process and also has allowed for redefining of my own self worth.

We must be, at bottom, fundamentally healthy or we would not have stayed alive this long.  Like all living creatures, we can heal from our injuries and our suffering.  If we have a healthy environment, healthy behaviors, healthy relationships, we will recover.  We need to identify our histories of trauma, abuse, neglect, grief and loss.  We need to overcome denial on all of our addictive behaviors.  We need to provide ourselves with good health care.  We need a safe place where we can be who we are, and be welcome.  We need quiet, respectful attention as we tell our stories in as much detail and as many times as we need to.

If we get these things we will not just stay alive, be we will have good lives.  Lives that are free of the curses of mental and physical illnesses.  Lives that are productive and creative, lives that are filled with friendship and love.      :: David L. Conroy, PhD.

believe

Be faithful to that which exists nowhere but in yourself.  -- Andre Gide

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Becoming an independent mother is taking some time (I'm almost one year old), and the twists and turns come with moments of serenity, angst, happiness, anger, gratitude ... and on and on. It's a role that is evolving and I'm getting better at it all the time. I thought the holidays were going to be especially difficult, yet I have been pleasantly surprised. And I guess this is largely due to the fact that I have worked so hard the past many months on learning to believe in myself. My worth. That I matter. That I matter to my kids. My battered self-worth and self-esteem from a sad and dysfunctional marriage affected my parenting and problem solving strategies over the years ... yet during the road to recovery my kids and friends are benefiting.

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Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all.  Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.  The world you desire can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours. -- Ayn Rand

marriage

I've been following a divorce blog lately, and these comments say something to me regarding my struggles with the traditional marriage and partnership and child rearing. 

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"Frankly, I think that while money becomes

one of the big issues couples fight over (which leads to divorce), I also think too many now have been "condition­ed" to think being single is amazing and being married is terrible."

"You look on TV ... cheat­ing shown in reality shows and in fictional shows. You see shows with single folk in them living it up with some drama, but thus showing people how wonderful it is to be single, childless, etc."

"There have been a lot of great comments here today, and it's hard not to keep fanning everyone. Your comment about the TV aspect is dead on - I agree completely with your assessment about this idea of continuing to live as a single even though they're married. It is ALL about Instant Entitlement, Bling, and "me, me, me!" The key as you say, is to operate as a team - it doesn't mean that either partner has to lose their identity in the marriage relationship, it just means that they have each other's back, and that they're working on goals that they both believe in."

"I'm not saying TV is the only reason, but I notice among peers how many can't seem to let go of the past life when they marry. It could be the guy who still wants to think he's "got it" by going out to pick up random women, or women who go out with the girls and enjoy men hitting on them. It could be the couples who still buy things they shouldn't. I'm speaking of luxury items they can't afford or even impulse shopping that causes more household debt.  We've seen plenty of poor families in the past do well in marriage because they acted like a team and held their own personal values strong. Nowadays it seems more like a bunch of individual­s with a "me me me me me" ideology, and thus everyone is out for themselves­."

“I think it is obvious that women who have financial means of their own are either finding that they needn't marry at all (a choice made by many of the ladies in my family) or; they come into the marriage financiall­y independen­t and never surrender that status to the marriage. It is another advantage enjoyed by the privileged­, It takes pressure off our husbands to "produce" and anyone who thinks the current vicissitud­es - the deteriorat­ing economy - doesn't effect the health of many marriages is living a sheltered life. Does love alone sustain couples? Yes, our marriage was very happy, but by having financial security we avoided a lot of conflict.”

“Education is only one part of the study, the study also says the affluent, meaning these people that are experienci­ng marital bliss not only have an education, but they are also wealthy enough to eliminate the problem of arguing over bills such as mortgages, school expenses for children, education for children, etc., they probably have disposable income also that will allow them to enjoy their free time outside the home or engaging in costly pass times.  Less time for argument, less problems to cause argument and usually the marriage will have an opportunit­y to grow ... mon­ey is the common denominato­r in marriages, those who have it have a better chance, those who don't have to struggle more, be stronger and more devoted to the relationsh­ip.  There is an old saying that goes something like this "I can do bad by myself." Nobody wants to be in a marriage where they feel their financial situation is worse than it would be if they were single.”

“It's my opinion that childhood wounds play a role in marriages.  The only possible success is if both partners become conscious of those wounds were and how each has been playing out or recreating them in the marriage. In an ideal world, we'd all examine our childhood for festering wounds and get them treated BEFORE unwittingl­y imposing/p­rojecting them onto our marriage partners. Unfortunat­ely, by the time one member realizes this, it's often too late because he/she's already withdrawn the relational investment from the bank. It's so sad to then see the partner who's being left grovel for another chance.”

changing traditions .. sort of

One of my favorite traditions during the holiday season is choosing a set of five (three kids + two parents) ornaments to add to the tree.  And we do this on Thanksgiving weekend when we are out and about shopping.  I look and look and look, sometimes for days, until something pops out and I get a feeling that this is the ornament for the year. Little tiny mugs with our names on them, red crystals, birth stone colored bobbles, crystal snowflakes, glass icecicles, paper mache stars.  There is no preconceived notion.  They just appear. 

This year was especially difficult as it is the first holiday season with just the kids and me in the home. Yesterday we took a day trip to a beautiful little tourist village about 90 minutes from our house. The sights and lights, sounds and smells, and holiday decor was just breathtaking. We had a really fun time walking the streets and going from store to store. I reminded the kids that I was looking for the annual set of Christmas tree ornaments, and was pretty disappointed when we were heading back to the car several hours later having found nothing. I felt a lump form in my throat and fought back the tears of grief. Then I saw a little outdoor stand that we had missed and decided to just take a peak. Nothing. As I started to walk away, my eyes glanced toward a little hidden partition next to the door with some small handmade ornaments. There they were. This year's ornaments. The tears came. And so did a smile. Peace signs. Exactly 4 of them. 

As I read about the artist and his crafts that I held in my hand, I could feel myself taking one more liberating step toward healing. Small metal sculptures made from copper and brass with a bright finish and sealed with a varnish to prevent tarnishing. Treated with a solution that is enhanced with exposure to weather, rain and sun. Each unique.

we made it

This is where we have always spent Thanksgiving weekend.  Not this year.  Finances wouldn't allow.

The best thing I did prior to the holiday season was to sit down with the kids and talk about the differences and similarities they would see this holiday season with just them and me in the house. No annual trip to the coast.  Gifts from mom might not be as extravagant as in the past. All of the family traditions will be alive and well such as the food, the decorations, the spiritual rituals, the baking. Love and friendship will be abundant. Emotions might get the best of us. And I asked them to tell me all of their thoughts and wishes. They astounded me with their resiliency, wisdom, and understanding.

I've been honest with them this past year about the effects of grief and loss we all will experience .. and now during the holidays .. the loss of family as they've always known, the loss of innocence and having to face that life will never be the same as it was, yet that it's up to us to make our new life work for us so that we are happy, more peaceful, and optimistic about our futures. The journey takes time, and we will be in a better place eventually.

Oftentimes the effects of grief and loss just sneak up and blind side you. Like when I was doing the annual Thanksgiving Day shopping this week. When they saw my red and blotchy face from crying all the way through the stores while shopping, I said, "Lots of memories came flooding into my mind when I was shopping and I just miss how it used to be. I'm going to allow the sadness to pass as I put away the groceries, and then I'd like to watch a funny TV show with you." I've made a conscience decision to tell my kids what exactly I'm going through at the moment and how I plan on dealing with it. I'm hopeful that if I model, they will follow.

Surprisingly, Thanksgiving went well.  We spent it with another independent mom with teenagers, had the usually slew of friends coming and going, and ventured out on Black Friday.  We made it.  

Indie Mom

In order of importance: I am a survivor on a never ending journey toward recovery and healing. I am a beautiful woman inside and out. I am an independent mother. I am a sister. I am an aunt and a cousin. I am a friend and a colleague. I am a wife separated from my husband of 25 years pending divorce.  In each of these roles I have a fierce desire to do the right thing. My problem is I don't always know what the right thing is or if the right thing even exists. This is because I have wrestled with the traditionally defined roles of who I am for most of my life. During the wrestling I've tried to play the game by the 'rules', and I've bucked the system, too. I've proven myself right and wrong. And I'm nowhere near feeling like I have a handle on anything. And rightly so. Because what I've come to understand, most especially as an independent mother, is that I have been afraid of my own light. My own adequacies. Nelson Mandela says it much better:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. You were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It isn't just some of us, it is everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."