paths

::   ::   ::   ::   Sometimes paths are clearly marked and sometimes not.  And when they present themselves, it is always an act of faith whether to travel or not.  I've made lots of choices as an independent mom and have not had much support from others with those choices.  I've had to rely on faith and my gut most of the time.  And I have fallen flat on my face and skinned my hands and knees.  I've stayed down and cried while looking up into the light.  Always I've learned that walking forward is the most rewarding experience a person can have in life.

It takes courage to choose a path.  It takes courage to take that first step .. be it a baby step or a leap.  It takes courage to keep going when you think you've taken the wrong path or that something at the end may not be all that great.

I recently found these wonderful and insightful thoughts on a website called mystics (dot) org ::   ::   ::   ::   ::

The path you seek must enable you a greater realization of your true nature and show you how to express that nature in your daily life as higher consciousness unfolds.  Also, the path you choose must meet your needs. It must enable you to become more conscious, and to give of yourself in a way that transforms you. You must also be able to receive from your path the inspiration, encouragement, knowledge, and the help you need in order to go forward. Your path must help you to clarify and improve your sense of values. You must be enabled, through your path, to grow regularly. It must help you to go forward and unfold into new dimensions of awareness, love, and well being. It must be this dynamic. If you're not growing, you're going in the opposite direction. In fact, you're actually dying.  Your path must also encourage your moral sense to become more clarified and mature.  It must strengthen your moral nature and not tear it down.  Your path must help you overcome character flaws and enable you to become a better person.

healing

This past year has brought many challenges to me as a single mother.  I never envisioned myself in this position, and I didn't ask for it, yet I've embraced it and accepted it.  Most days have been joyous and happy and liberating.  Some days have been frightening and lonely.  A few days have been so painful that I felt as though I couldn't take another day.  But all of my days as in independent mother have been filled with opportunities to grow and change and recover from a 25 year marriage and a parenting partnership that was not healthy.

In my particular case, it's been a slow yet steady process of reaching out to others in helping me to identify the significant aspects of a painful marriage, such as alcoholism and verbal abuse, and how these two nemesis wreaked havoc on my self worth and my children's development.  Finding 'safe places' within a community where there's no place to hide, or not being able to trust mutual friends or family members to provide unconditional positive regard, have been obstacles to the much needed renewal of my injured soul.

Yet the one thing that I have done, and that has evolved over time, has been to tell my historical story that led up to becoming an independent mother.  Telling that story to someone who really listens as many times as you need, helps the 'going forth' process and also has allowed for redefining of my own self worth.

We must be, at bottom, fundamentally healthy or we would not have stayed alive this long.  Like all living creatures, we can heal from our injuries and our suffering.  If we have a healthy environment, healthy behaviors, healthy relationships, we will recover.  We need to identify our histories of trauma, abuse, neglect, grief and loss.  We need to overcome denial on all of our addictive behaviors.  We need to provide ourselves with good health care.  We need a safe place where we can be who we are, and be welcome.  We need quiet, respectful attention as we tell our stories in as much detail and as many times as we need to.

If we get these things we will not just stay alive, be we will have good lives.  Lives that are free of the curses of mental and physical illnesses.  Lives that are productive and creative, lives that are filled with friendship and love.      :: David L. Conroy, PhD.

believe

Be faithful to that which exists nowhere but in yourself.  -- Andre Gide

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Becoming an independent mother is taking some time (I'm almost one year old), and the twists and turns come with moments of serenity, angst, happiness, anger, gratitude ... and on and on. It's a role that is evolving and I'm getting better at it all the time. I thought the holidays were going to be especially difficult, yet I have been pleasantly surprised. And I guess this is largely due to the fact that I have worked so hard the past many months on learning to believe in myself. My worth. That I matter. That I matter to my kids. My battered self-worth and self-esteem from a sad and dysfunctional marriage affected my parenting and problem solving strategies over the years ... yet during the road to recovery my kids and friends are benefiting.

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Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all.  Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.  The world you desire can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours. -- Ayn Rand

marriage

I've been following a divorce blog lately, and these comments say something to me regarding my struggles with the traditional marriage and partnership and child rearing. 

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"Frankly, I think that while money becomes

one of the big issues couples fight over (which leads to divorce), I also think too many now have been "condition­ed" to think being single is amazing and being married is terrible."

"You look on TV ... cheat­ing shown in reality shows and in fictional shows. You see shows with single folk in them living it up with some drama, but thus showing people how wonderful it is to be single, childless, etc."

"There have been a lot of great comments here today, and it's hard not to keep fanning everyone. Your comment about the TV aspect is dead on - I agree completely with your assessment about this idea of continuing to live as a single even though they're married. It is ALL about Instant Entitlement, Bling, and "me, me, me!" The key as you say, is to operate as a team - it doesn't mean that either partner has to lose their identity in the marriage relationship, it just means that they have each other's back, and that they're working on goals that they both believe in."

"I'm not saying TV is the only reason, but I notice among peers how many can't seem to let go of the past life when they marry. It could be the guy who still wants to think he's "got it" by going out to pick up random women, or women who go out with the girls and enjoy men hitting on them. It could be the couples who still buy things they shouldn't. I'm speaking of luxury items they can't afford or even impulse shopping that causes more household debt.  We've seen plenty of poor families in the past do well in marriage because they acted like a team and held their own personal values strong. Nowadays it seems more like a bunch of individual­s with a "me me me me me" ideology, and thus everyone is out for themselves­."

“I think it is obvious that women who have financial means of their own are either finding that they needn't marry at all (a choice made by many of the ladies in my family) or; they come into the marriage financiall­y independen­t and never surrender that status to the marriage. It is another advantage enjoyed by the privileged­, It takes pressure off our husbands to "produce" and anyone who thinks the current vicissitud­es - the deteriorat­ing economy - doesn't effect the health of many marriages is living a sheltered life. Does love alone sustain couples? Yes, our marriage was very happy, but by having financial security we avoided a lot of conflict.”

“Education is only one part of the study, the study also says the affluent, meaning these people that are experienci­ng marital bliss not only have an education, but they are also wealthy enough to eliminate the problem of arguing over bills such as mortgages, school expenses for children, education for children, etc., they probably have disposable income also that will allow them to enjoy their free time outside the home or engaging in costly pass times.  Less time for argument, less problems to cause argument and usually the marriage will have an opportunit­y to grow ... mon­ey is the common denominato­r in marriages, those who have it have a better chance, those who don't have to struggle more, be stronger and more devoted to the relationsh­ip.  There is an old saying that goes something like this "I can do bad by myself." Nobody wants to be in a marriage where they feel their financial situation is worse than it would be if they were single.”

“It's my opinion that childhood wounds play a role in marriages.  The only possible success is if both partners become conscious of those wounds were and how each has been playing out or recreating them in the marriage. In an ideal world, we'd all examine our childhood for festering wounds and get them treated BEFORE unwittingl­y imposing/p­rojecting them onto our marriage partners. Unfortunat­ely, by the time one member realizes this, it's often too late because he/she's already withdrawn the relational investment from the bank. It's so sad to then see the partner who's being left grovel for another chance.”